Thursday, December 18, 2014

Depression, Anxiety, and Quidditch

I just noticed that I've been actually keeping up with this blog more than I ever have during this last semester.  I'm pretty sure its because everything in my life is coming to a climax at the same time and I have literally no living person that I can discuss everything with.  It's also been really calming to get my thoughts down, even though the idea of someone I actually know finding this blog terrifies me a little bit inside.  I have mixed feelings about it to be honest - on one hand I wouldn't want them to know how messed up I really am, but on the other hand then they would know that I'm not okay and I've been overthinking literally everything and while I am really happy with my Quidditch team I am also extremely stressed out and my anxiety and depression have been super bad.  To be honest though, if someone did find this blog and then confront me about it I would definitely deny it and depending on the person they would probably believe me.  If it is anyone at school though they would know it was me, even though I don't use my real name on here because of the Quidditch situation that I've talked about.  Ugh, life with a personal blog is so stressful.  I have hinted that I have a blog though and I mentioned once how I would die if anyone on my team found it to a fellow team member (whom I also happen to be a little in love with).  I've also tweeted about it once or twice, but I don't think anyone has noticed.  A part of me really wants this to be found because then all of my explaining will have been done for me and I won't have to explain anything or talk about anything, but at the same time I do have this inherent fear of people finding out that I'm depressed and have high anxiety and may possibly be bipolar like some of my family members.  Which makes me realize that I haven't really mentioned anything about what is going on in my family right now because I've been so focused on this Quidditch stuff (which still hasn't been fully resolved and it keeps me up at night because I'm pretty sure one of my captains is still hurt by some of the things that I said and I'm also pretty sure he misinterpreted my message in the first place and what I was trying to say because when I'm upset I have a hard time communicating).  It really sucks that on top of everything that happened about three weeks ago (I can't believe its been that long already), there is a lot going on with my family right now which makes all of this even harder to deal with.  I'm not really going to talk about it much right now, but I've got a lot of stuff with my grandfather having Parkinson's Disease which is getting worse and my uncle who has cancer and we find out in April if its gone and if it isn't he won't have much longer to live and then my dad's sister who is a drug addict and causing a bunch of family drama and my poor cousin who lives with her and has to have an unfit mother taking care of her and other stuff that I don't really talk about with my older cousin - I'm an emotional wreck.  Dealing with everything I've been dealing with is hard enough for a normal person, add the depression and anxiety and I'm honestly surprised I haven't killed myself yet.

Why must I go through all of these trials? Why can't someone with a normal, functioning brain go through them instead?  What purpose is there for me to go through this if I already have issues with my brain not working right and overthinking and being unable to sleep or eat for long periods of time?

Why me?

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

[Some] Things That Terrify Me

So I was doing some thinking (which I find myself doing a lot lately) and I figured that maybe it would help my increasing anxiety if I listed the things that terrify me.  As my anxiety has been getting worse I've been starting to try and figure out what triggers it, what things cause my heartbeat to pick up and spark a panic attack?  And so, with this question in mind, I decided that it would probably be helpful to think about all of the things that terrify me and send me into a panic (at least that I've noticed so far).  The following is a list I've come up with, its a working list and completely in progress, but its something and its not in any particular order.

  1. Food - I don't know when it started, but I'm afraid of food. The idea of eating sends me into a panic and when I do eat I spend the rest of my night trying not to make myself puke because I feel so awful inside. 
  2. People finding out that I'm in counseling right now - this one makes no sense at all to me to be completely honest, but it is something that keeps me up at night. I have a few friends who know because they pushed me to do it in the first place, but the thought of anyone seeing me in the counseling office at my university sends my heartbeat through the roof.  Especially after I went in to schedule an appointment during finals week last week and I saw a friend of mine sitting right in my line of sight.  I know he saw me and my immediate reaction was to tense up and cut off the receptionist in the middle of her sentence as I got out of there as fast as I could.  I don't know if I was so terrified because he is a friend as well as my Quidditch captain, but I was literally so scared right then and started having a panic attack.  The idea of seeing him there again or anyone else I know that doesn't know the situation right now literally sends me into a panic and that isn't good at all.
  3. Death - my own, of a friend or family member, someone I care about.
  4. Not being forgiven - I do and say stupid things a lot and I'm actually in a situation right now because of how I handle a situation and I don't know if I'll ever be forgiven or if our relationship will ever be the same and that terrifies me.
  5. Life after I finish school
  6. Law school - I'm afraid of the pressure and a part of me doesn't know if I can handle it or if I even want to go to law school anymore, which is something I haven't admitted to anyone. 
  7. Being confronted about my scars - I keep saying to myself that I'm ready, but the time it happened this last semester I froze up and couldn't say anything about it and just let the poor guy guess and figure it out on his own.  I felt so bad after because the poor guy probably thought that I was mad at him, I wasn't at all and he was such a sweat heart about it, no judgement at all.
  8. Judgement - I always feel like everyone is judging me and that they hate me and don't care and wish I didn't exist, it feels like people are talking about me behind my back and when they laugh I always automatically think they are laughing at me, which frightens me because I just want to be loved an accepted.
  9. My team finding out about the continuing self-harm (or really anyone)
  10. Bisexuality - sometimes I wonder if I might really be bisexual and that terrifies me, I just want to be straight because I can't deal with any more secrets right now, its really hard to explain because I have nothing against the LGBT community. 
  11. My anger - there are some days when it gets out of control and it feels like I can't do anything to stop it and it terrifies me because I've done horrible things when this has happened in the past.
  12. Bipolar disorder - I think I might be bipolar and I just, I can't be.  I really really can't be, I can't handle it.
  13. Family (of my own) - I want to get married and have kids, but because of my anger and depression and anxiety I just feel like I'll never be able to because I'll hurt them.  I would not be able to live with myself if I hurt my kids or my husband and so I keep saying that I don't want to get married or have kids when I really do, I just can't ever have that because of my issues. 
  14. Getting a grade below an A in a class - in high school this didn't phase me at all, but now I find myself going into a panic when I discover I've gotten an A- in a class and I'm trying to talk myself out of these freak outs, but I know that I would have a full blown, unstoppable panic attack if I got a B+ 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

it all started in 3rd grade

The other day I was scrolling through tumblr and saw a picture of one of those butt scooter things that used to be so popular in elementary/middle school gym classes and I had a moment of realization: I've been purposefully hurting myself for longer than I originally thought.
You see, I have always had this notion that I started hurting myself in the spring when I was 12 years old because that was the first time that I cut myself and I have been cutting and burning ever since.  The other day I realized that I can only say the cutting and burning started when I was 12, but the purposeful hurting of myself in other ways had been going on for a lot longer than that.  And the sad thing is, if I really look back and start to think about when I started, truly started, self harming: I was in the third grade.  I was 8 years old.  I was a child.  And that hurts my heart to realize that little me was hurting so badly inside that she turned to hurting herself, it also means that this struggle has been going on for a lot longer than 7 years, its been going on for 11.
But how did I come to this conclusion based solely on a picture of a butt scooter that I used maybe twice in gym classes from the 3rd grade on?

Because of the comment on the picture.  The comment was joking about the "broken fingers" that you would get from riding these things because they were actually pretty hazardous and it reminded me of something.  You see, when I was remembering using these scooters the first memory that came to mind was how I would always purposefully roll over my fingers, I liked how much it hurt.  I would roll over my fingers, I would let others roll over my fingers, I purposefully caught my fingers so that they would get hurt by these butt scooters.  And as those memories came back I started to remember playing recklessly in the playground and not caring if I fell or got hurt, how I would dare boys to hit me and give myself Indian Burns and how one time I got a girl to kick me in the ankle hard enough and enough times that I limped for a day.  Starting in the 3rd grade I began to stop caring about getting hurt, I literally asked for it and if I didn't get it I would do things where I would get hurt on purpose.  These actions are technically self harm, but not in the conventional way and not something that I ever thought of as self harm until I really looked back and evaluated things.  If anything these actions were indications that I only had a matter of time until I turned to cutting myself, which I ended up doing in the 7th grade.  And then Junior year I almost killed myself cutting and haven't cut since, but couldn't handle the pain so I began to burn myself.  All of this can be traced back to these reckless actions, to these years of literally asking for pain and looking for pain, to the year I moved schools and started to feel like I was completely alone.

Monday, December 15, 2014

how many times do I need to say sorry for you to forgive me?

your words make it seem like we are ok,
but your actions tell me a different story
and i don't know what it is i need to do for you
to forgive me,
i can only say "i'm sorry" so many times
before my brain takes over and i give up.
the jokes have faded and conversations seem
filled to the brim with anger and hurt
because i fucked up again and this time
the one person who i felt might care
was the one to get hurt.

and now it hurts me to no end.

i'm doing all i can to mend this friendship
we once had,
but sometimes things become too broken
for fixing and i fear that is what i've done
because i lashed out when i should have held it
inside.
there are some days when my brain refuses to work
and when the darkness becomes so consuming
that i can't help but curl up into a ball,
i look for that little light that i thought
you might be.

i fucked up.
again

of course i would lash out at the one i care deeply for
because isn't that the way things always go?
and i don't know how to fix this and make it better,
i don't know how to apologize and start over,
i don't know how many times i have to say sorry
for us to be what we were before

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Music

I listen to music that is real,
pounding itself into my soul with each word
that flows through my veins and makes me
feel alive.
Words are so full of meaning sometimes -
I can't keep myself held down
unless I have something to tie me
and these songs are the ones that chain the
perfect meanings together in letters
that are just heavy enough to keep me from
flying off into darkness.

These are the songs that kept me back
from falling out of high trees
where branches grew in just the right way
to hold me in place with a notebook
filled with words twined together,
messy attempts at making songs to hold down
the other lost souls in this world.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Done Messed Up (Again)

So I have these moments when I do things completely irrationally and then end up getting myself into awkward (and usually really painful) situations, this last week sure has been an example of that. I let myself do things without thinking and now someone that I really respected might have just had enough of me. I didn't handle things right and a part of me wants to just apologize and say that I know I was wrong, that I know I handled the situation in the worst way possible and I shouldn't have dragged in the people that I did. Sometimes I wonder about my actions and I wish I could just not make stupid choices that later bite me in the butt -- HARD. There is no way that I can excuse my actions and, unfortunately, I have an idea as to why things happen like this all of the time which would explain a lot, but I wouldn't want to ever use as an excuse. So I just won't ever talk about it. But I do feel like I should shoot a message to the two people who I got involved who didn't need to be and apologize, we kind of talked a bit via Facebook and decided to leave this behind us and move on, but I just have this overwhelming need to tell them that I truly am sorry and I acted irrationally and brought them into a situation that they didn't need to be brought into. I don't want to be annoying about it or anything like that, I just need (for my own mental sake) to tell them that I'm sorry because I don't want them to think I'm going to cause drama or honestly expected them to get involved. I was being pushed to do and say things that I didn't feel right doing and saying by two people who had a problem with these guys to begin with, next time I really need to get advice from a separate party who isn't emotionally involved. I feel literally so bad I don't even know how to express it, I can't stop thinking about how badly I really feel about this whole situation. I don't want to bring it back up or talk about it anymore at the same time that I just feel this overwhelming need to say sorry. I was downright awful and mean on twitter and I have a feeling that one of them knew I was talking about him. I've since deleted the tweets, but I just need to know when I leave that this is truly behind us and the three(ish) weeks of winter break won't be spent stewing and letting things build up. I break things and then have an overwhelming urge to fix them because I always feel so pressured to keep things together, I feel like I ruin so many things. 


God, I feel so bad. I just want to be able to say sorry over and over and over again. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Resolution

Resolution is always so calming. After a bit of a cooling off period and a little bit of honesty, I think things are going to be ok. I definitely feel bad for the situation that I put some people in and I do feel like my actions weren't rational, but I was hurt. I'm not saying that to excuse myself for what I did and my anger, but it was a definite factor. Now that I know that things are going to be ok I feel a bit more relaxed (at least as much as I can be when finals are in literally 3 days). This team is my family and every family has some issues, I guess it was just my time to cause drama. Hopefully I won't cause any more ever again because I hate being the source of drama and team issues. I hate being angry at the world and the people I care about. Its going to take some time to heal, but I will do my best. I'm leaving this behind me and moving on because I don't need drama caused be me on top of everything else. I know that nobody really reads this blog, but in the off chance that someone does and they know me and maybe they are part of my team:

I am so sorry.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The "Stupidity" of Villains

You know, I was pondering things a little while ago about heroes and villains and something struck me; the reason the villain ends up being defeated because they talk about their "evil" plan is not because they are dumb or stupid, its because they just want recognition.  I mean, look at the villains, most people can relate to them more than they can relate to the hero.  The hero saves the day, the hero is who people want to be, but the villain is who people can see themselves in.  Villains don't start that way, they are not born evil, they are born as innocents who are then mistreated by the world.  It is just like us as average humans, we are born and we live in a life where we are constantly being misunderstood and disregarded for our efforts and used by those around us.  The natural desire of human kind is to be loved and cared for and noticed, but that doesn't happen.  Villains are representatives of this notion and this flaw in humanity, they become "evil" because they have this overwhelming desire to be noticed by someone and to do something that gets noticed, that they can take the credit for.  Really, they are just trying to be loved and understood and recognized - just like we are every single day.  So when a villain stops in that moment when he has the hero cornered and the end is surely in sight, he isn't being stupid or dumb in describing his "evil" plan - he is only trying to get recognition and praise, he wants to take credit for this thing that he has done.  In this situation the hero is the parent or the teacher or the coach or the captain or the friend who takes that moment to listen to what we've done and then turns around and steals it all away.  The villain isn't defeated because he is stupid, he is defeated because of his overwhelming need to be able to tell someone what he has done and be proud of it, something that we desire to do everyday.  This common scene is a direct representation of the, arguably, biggest flaw in humanity: the desire for recognition that will never come except for in fleeting circumstances where it is then ignored.

So, I don't think villains are all that bad or unintelligent - they are just like us, a fact that I think many people ignore.  Think about it, who do you have more in common with? The hero or the villain?  My bet would be the villain.

Monday, December 1, 2014

To the person who will never ever read this, but I wish would

There are certain people in my life right now that I really wish knew about and read this blog because I'm so fucking pathetic that I can't tell them that there is something wrong. It's probably because I'm so used to not being cared about and I know that most people don't give a shit about me or my problems - I'm too fucked up for that, I'm not worth it. Yet, there are truths that need to be put out there: like the fact that I can't do any of this anymore. Things have gotten to the point where my brain is always thinking about ways in which to end this life, I don't have the will anymore. If I didn't have two little sisters that I swore I would never leave behind, I honestly wouldn't be here anymore. I'm so done with life. I just can't. And I might quit my quidditch team because I honestly feel so used and mistreated and under appreciated by them. I work my butt of for this team, I've made sacrifices and I've done things for this team that I've never done for a team before in my life.  Yet, with all of this effort I put in I am still seen only as the loud and obnoxious girl that nobody gives a shit about.  I've always known this, because that is why people hated me in high school and I know I haven't changed.  Being loud is the only way I ever feel heard honestly and I know that I can be annoying and a little crazy, but I try to tone it down. Tonight, however, it was pointed out to me by a member of my team and ever since its just been a downward spiral.  Between this and stuff at home I just can't keep fighting much longer.  The thoughts are back and they are bad, I don't want to eat or sleep and I just can't smile or laugh except for in small bursts.  I really wish that the one person who I feel like might understand or maybe be able to find it in his heart to care even a little bit about me would read this blog and know that I lied to him and I'm not okay.  I'm afraid of admitting to people that I'm fighting this battle, mostly because I know that they probably won't give a shit.  In my entire life I have never truly been cared about as a person by more than 3 people and sometimes I think those 3 people are lying.  How could anyone care about fucked up me? I'm worthless, meaningless, I am the fly on the wall. When people see me their only thought is how much they wish I would just go away and not come back, I am annoying and invisible.

I'm crying and tired and so done with everything, I just want to be heard and feel at least like I'm a small amount of worthwhile in this world. 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

things that were ruined: fire

once upon a time there was innocence
and now there is only a broken record of memories,
the tortured screams that echo in the darkest corners of a mind
that was once filled with light.

everything has changed

fire crackling, worming its way through the wood,
popping and snapping inside
as it warms a house used to mean comfort
and safety,
now it is only a memory of fear.
the fire was crackling that night as
innocence fled the scene of its own murder
and hiding under blankets with the sound
of a fire crackling nearby was the only way
to keep a little bit of sanity.
now that sanity is driven away by that sound
as the comfort needed at that time,
became attached to the memory of why
comfort was needed in the first place.


Friday, November 28, 2014

In Retrospect

It is so weird accidentally finding little pieces of the past online, especially when they are pieces of the past of someone you know. Part of me finds it somewhat hilarious how easily I seem to accidentally find these little tidbits of the people I care about's past and how much they teach me about these people. I've learned a lot through these accidental occurrences of past tidbits and sometimes I wonder if someone else might find some pieces of my past scattered around. And that makes me think about how these people may feel if they knew that I was finding their old blogs and youtube channels and whatnot, I know that I would hate for them to find this blog or other blogs that I've had (though they would be pretty hard to find because my name is only really attached to this one) or even past youtube channels I've had. I've got secrets that are spread around, secrets that I would hate for them to find out. That makes me think about maybe not reading blogs or watching videos that I find, are there things that they've done or said that they regret and don't want to be known?

What once was something that amused me has really made me rethink who I am as a person and I really don't like this person that I see in the mirror.

Monday, November 17, 2014

over thinking

sometimes I just want to turn them off,
to flip a switch and make the thoughts stop
circling like hawks over prey
going and going and going until they win or -
in my case -
I just give up.
you see, I've got this problem with my thoughts
not wanting to stop running around,
driving me slowly insane
because the littlest thing becomes
so much more and I can't
get it out of my head.
so I write,
put the jumbled thoughts down
on white paper that makes everything seem
more real, less in my imagination
and it makes it worse at the same time
as it makes everything better.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Unwanted

You ever get that feeling where all you want to do is forget, but you can't? The people that you hate keep showing up in your life over and over and over again without any warning and the memories come flooding back in a stream of consciousness that makes you want to scream. For me, its all of the things that happened at my old college that make me want to break down, to give up, to just take that last step over the edge and be done. And people keep showing up in my life again and again, just when I'm about to get over it all. Maybe not someone involved directly, but someone who was there or involved in my life. I just want them all to be gone. I don't want Facebook notifications from them, I don't want to get a text, I don't want to see pictures on instagram. Because they get to keep living their lives without a single bad memory, without having a fear sitting in the back of their stomach that makes it hard for them to eat food or interact with people. I can't be touched anymore because of what happened there and I'm stuck trying to repair my life and start over when they get to keep living and laughing and being completely okay with life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stood up and talked about it in front of everyone, if maybe it would get better and maybe I'd be able to truly live again.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Life

So, its been awhile (as it usually is between my posts) and I have a bit of venting that I need to do.  This isn't going to be a poetry post today, this is going to be a post where I just let everything out because maybe it will help this feeling in my stomach like I've got nothing.

I've never been so happy in my entire life, but I've also never been so depressed or anxious about everything either. I don't know how this is even a thing, but I need to figure it out soon or I might just explode and all of my secrets and lies are going to spill out over everything.  I got involved with the Quidditch team at my college and I never thought I'd find a sport (or a team for that matter) that would feel so right, feel like a second family, feel so comforting and okay.  It is so freaking wonderful and sometimes I'm terrified that its all going to end suddenly and I won't have anything anymore to keep me going as the rest of my life is spiraling out of control.  And while my team is wonderful and I love the sport, it isn't perfect.  There are days where I feel so ignored and lost, like nobody really cares if I'm there or not and I try to tell myself its just my brain being stupid, but that doesn't really help much.  I work my butt off for this team, I refuse to miss practice and I practice hard even when I feel like puking or passing out - god damn it I went to practice the afternoon after I had spent the previous night in the ER for 3 hours.  I'm dedicated and I give my all, but its like nobody ever notices.  So I keep pushing and I keep working hard in the hopes that someday, someone will look at me and say I did a good job and they will acknowledge my hard work and effort in front of the entire team.  My whole life I've been a disappointment and now I work so hard to not be, but I feel like one anyway.  And its starting to make it hard to go to class, to pay attention, to do my homework, to actually try.  I can feel the depression sitting in the back of my mind like a monster I can't scare away and my anxiety is getting to the point where I can't eat anymore because I feel sick all of the time.  Its like something is tugging at the back of my throat, blocking it from accepting any food and when I can get food down it feels like it is going to come back up as soon as it reaches my stomach.  I'm just trying to figure everything out right now, there is so much going on in my life with my family and with my roommate that I just feel like exploding.  I really hope that nothing more gets added to my load right now because then I'm afraid that I'll take it all out on my team and alienate myself from them and shut down like I always do.  Then I won't have anything because I don't think I'll ever be able to open up to them fully and explain things so that they don't hate me.  I'd feel like I was making excuses for myself.  Its not their fault I'm messed up inside, I should be able to hide it and keep it out of other aspects of my life.

Ugh, life can get so hard sometimes, but I always keep fighting. Hopefully someday things will lighten up and I'll get better.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

To Be An Adult

it is 4:06 am and I can't sleep.
contrary to popular belief
I am not in love or lonely -
I don't need to be constrained into
a category where lack of sleep means
that I am pining after some guy
because, apparently, that is the only thing
that could keep a girl like me awake.

why don't you men get your
heads out of your asses -
I'm awake because I'm afraid.
afraid of him,
the one who stole the night from me
when he molested me at that party
and everyone just laughed
as I left with tears welling in my eyes.

I heard him gloating,
saying he finally cracked "the prude"
and I haven't spoken a word of truth since
- or slept a whole night through.

this smile is how I hide
the immense pain that won't fade -
the pain keeping me up until 4:14 am,
not because I am pining,
but because the comfort of the night
was stolen from me -

the same night I turned 18.
___________________________________________
I wrote this one a few weeks ago when I was seriously up all night because I was having horrible flashbacks to the night of my 18th birthday (also the night after my first day of college classes) - the night that I was sexually molested.  I don't really talk about it much and I'm trying to move on, it's been over a year and I've since transferred to a different university and stopped all contact with the guy who attacked me.  The worst part of all of it was that it was one of my swim teammates and another guy filmed him, laughing the entire time while I tried not to cry and then they made a joke about it with the rest of the team which led to me being molested by a different team member later that week.  I don't know why I never reported the three guys involved (the two who molested me and the one who filmed the first time), but I never did.  I just quit the swim team and transferred schools so fast that I don't really think anyone knew what happened.  I'm so much happier at my new university, but there are a lot of things that I need to work through.  I still have nights where I can't sleep and I don't know what to do with myself, sometimes I wonder if I should tell someone and get help - but a part of me is afraid they would make me get the authorities involved with the guys.  I want them to serve their time, don't get me wrong, but I also know that nothing would happen.  There were witnesses who later told me I had exaggerated things and that I had been "asking for it" - just as they always say - I know that it would just be a lot of pain for me and they would see nothing.  I don't want to go through that pain again just because someone out there thinks justice should be served (mainly my best friend who knows some details, but not all, and kept trying to get me to report them last year).  I'm living my life and trying my best to forget, letting it out little by little with my poetry and maybe opening up to a few people here.  I know people have noticed that I have issues with things regarding sex and that I get really quiet when I'm alone with guys (at least, I think they might have).

In other news, that isn't so dark and depressing, I'm in the process of becoming an RA at the university I'm currently attending which I'm super excited about.  I'm also at 100 posts (this is my 100th!!) who knew I could keep a blog up for this long? I sure didn't.  I know I've kinda sucked at being regular and I keep promising to fix it, but let's be honest here and admit that life happens and I'm just proud that I don't delete this blog or stop posting all together.  At least I give a poem here or there, even if it is after a few months.  I've been having a bit of writer's block though recently so I've been lacking on the poetry and I'm not turning out nearly as many poems as I want to.  Hopefully that will change soon.  This is also a regular blog too, so hopefully I will be able to pop on and update on my life and the goings on in Utah (which is where I am right now).  (I am not a Mormon - just in case you where wondering).

Life is beautiful. Even with the bad things.

Have a great day, week, month, year!