sometimes I just want to turn them off,
to flip a switch and make the thoughts stop
circling like hawks over prey
going and going and going until they win or -
in my case -
I just give up.
you see, I've got this problem with my thoughts
not wanting to stop running around,
driving me slowly insane
because the littlest thing becomes
so much more and I can't
get it out of my head.
so I write,
put the jumbled thoughts down
on white paper that makes everything seem
more real, less in my imagination
and it makes it worse at the same time
as it makes everything better.
Monday, November 17, 2014
sometimes I just want to turn them off,
Sunday, November 16, 2014
You ever get that feeling where all you want to do is forget, but you can't? The people that you hate keep showing up in your life over and over and over again without any warning and the memories come flooding back in a stream of consciousness that makes you want to scream. For me, its all of the things that happened at my old college that make me want to break down, to give up, to just take that last step over the edge and be done. And people keep showing up in my life again and again, just when I'm about to get over it all. Maybe not someone involved directly, but someone who was there or involved in my life. I just want them all to be gone. I don't want Facebook notifications from them, I don't want to get a text, I don't want to see pictures on instagram. Because they get to keep living their lives without a single bad memory, without having a fear sitting in the back of their stomach that makes it hard for them to eat food or interact with people. I can't be touched anymore because of what happened there and I'm stuck trying to repair my life and start over when they get to keep living and laughing and being completely okay with life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stood up and talked about it in front of everyone, if maybe it would get better and maybe I'd be able to truly live again.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
So, its been awhile (as it usually is between my posts) and I have a bit of venting that I need to do. This isn't going to be a poetry post today, this is going to be a post where I just let everything out because maybe it will help this feeling in my stomach like I've got nothing.
I've never been so happy in my entire life, but I've also never been so depressed or anxious about everything either. I don't know how this is even a thing, but I need to figure it out soon or I might just explode and all of my secrets and lies are going to spill out over everything. I got involved with the Quidditch team at my college and I never thought I'd find a sport (or a team for that matter) that would feel so right, feel like a second family, feel so comforting and okay. It is so freaking wonderful and sometimes I'm terrified that its all going to end suddenly and I won't have anything anymore to keep me going as the rest of my life is spiraling out of control. And while my team is wonderful and I love the sport, it isn't perfect. There are days where I feel so ignored and lost, like nobody really cares if I'm there or not and I try to tell myself its just my brain being stupid, but that doesn't really help much. I work my butt off for this team, I refuse to miss practice and I practice hard even when I feel like puking or passing out - god damn it I went to practice the afternoon after I had spent the previous night in the ER for 3 hours. I'm dedicated and I give my all, but its like nobody ever notices. So I keep pushing and I keep working hard in the hopes that someday, someone will look at me and say I did a good job and they will acknowledge my hard work and effort in front of the entire team. My whole life I've been a disappointment and now I work so hard to not be, but I feel like one anyway. And its starting to make it hard to go to class, to pay attention, to do my homework, to actually try. I can feel the depression sitting in the back of my mind like a monster I can't scare away and my anxiety is getting to the point where I can't eat anymore because I feel sick all of the time. Its like something is tugging at the back of my throat, blocking it from accepting any food and when I can get food down it feels like it is going to come back up as soon as it reaches my stomach. I'm just trying to figure everything out right now, there is so much going on in my life with my family and with my roommate that I just feel like exploding. I really hope that nothing more gets added to my load right now because then I'm afraid that I'll take it all out on my team and alienate myself from them and shut down like I always do. Then I won't have anything because I don't think I'll ever be able to open up to them fully and explain things so that they don't hate me. I'd feel like I was making excuses for myself. Its not their fault I'm messed up inside, I should be able to hide it and keep it out of other aspects of my life.
Ugh, life can get so hard sometimes, but I always keep fighting. Hopefully someday things will lighten up and I'll get better.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
it is 4:06 am and I can't sleep.
contrary to popular belief
I am not in love or lonely -
I don't need to be constrained into
a category where lack of sleep means
that I am pining after some guy
because, apparently, that is the only thing
that could keep a girl like me awake.
why don't you men get your
heads out of your asses -
I'm awake because I'm afraid.
afraid of him,
the one who stole the night from me
when he molested me at that party
and everyone just laughed
as I left with tears welling in my eyes.
I heard him gloating,
saying he finally cracked "the prude"
and I haven't spoken a word of truth since
- or slept a whole night through.
this smile is how I hide
the immense pain that won't fade -
the pain keeping me up until 4:14 am,
not because I am pining,
but because the comfort of the night
was stolen from me -
the same night I turned 18.
I wrote this one a few weeks ago when I was seriously up all night because I was having horrible flashbacks to the night of my 18th birthday (also the night after my first day of college classes) - the night that I was sexually molested. I don't really talk about it much and I'm trying to move on, it's been over a year and I've since transferred to a different university and stopped all contact with the guy who attacked me. The worst part of all of it was that it was one of my swim teammates and another guy filmed him, laughing the entire time while I tried not to cry and then they made a joke about it with the rest of the team which led to me being molested by a different team member later that week. I don't know why I never reported the three guys involved (the two who molested me and the one who filmed the first time), but I never did. I just quit the swim team and transferred schools so fast that I don't really think anyone knew what happened. I'm so much happier at my new university, but there are a lot of things that I need to work through. I still have nights where I can't sleep and I don't know what to do with myself, sometimes I wonder if I should tell someone and get help - but a part of me is afraid they would make me get the authorities involved with the guys. I want them to serve their time, don't get me wrong, but I also know that nothing would happen. There were witnesses who later told me I had exaggerated things and that I had been "asking for it" - just as they always say - I know that it would just be a lot of pain for me and they would see nothing. I don't want to go through that pain again just because someone out there thinks justice should be served (mainly my best friend who knows some details, but not all, and kept trying to get me to report them last year). I'm living my life and trying my best to forget, letting it out little by little with my poetry and maybe opening up to a few people here. I know people have noticed that I have issues with things regarding sex and that I get really quiet when I'm alone with guys (at least, I think they might have).
In other news, that isn't so dark and depressing, I'm in the process of becoming an RA at the university I'm currently attending which I'm super excited about. I'm also at 100 posts (this is my 100th!!) who knew I could keep a blog up for this long? I sure didn't. I know I've kinda sucked at being regular and I keep promising to fix it, but let's be honest here and admit that life happens and I'm just proud that I don't delete this blog or stop posting all together. At least I give a poem here or there, even if it is after a few months. I've been having a bit of writer's block though recently so I've been lacking on the poetry and I'm not turning out nearly as many poems as I want to. Hopefully that will change soon. This is also a regular blog too, so hopefully I will be able to pop on and update on my life and the goings on in Utah (which is where I am right now). (I am not a Mormon - just in case you where wondering).
Life is beautiful. Even with the bad things.
Have a great day, week, month, year!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
April 8th is both a happy and a sad day for my family. It is happy because that is the day my parents got married all of those years ago and their relationship has always been one that, though imperfect, has modeled kindness and love in my life. But it is also a sad day, April 8th of 2011 is the day that my Auntie Cara died after a 5 year battle with brain cancer. We were really close and sometimes I wonder how in the world I manage to keep living now that she is gone, but a part of me pushes forward in life because I want to live for her and I want to keep her light shining in this dark world. When she died my Uncle David, her and my mother's older brother, started to get more involved in my life and we began to get a bit closer. Until she got sick he had always been a bit distant from us, him and my mother had that oldest - youngest sibling thing going on and didn't really get along well, and he spent more time with his wife's family than his own. And then my aunt, his other younger sister, got sick and he started to be there for us more. He started to talk to me on Facebook and text me and when I went to college this last fall he would periodically check in on me. My aunt's death changed all of us, but I think it changed him the most. He started to really be an uncle to my sisters and I, not just our mother's older brother and their sibling relationship even began to mend.
This morning he went in for surgery on one of his lungs because they found a small cyst on the lung when doing a chest x-ray. It was only supposed to be a 4 hour surgery.
12 hours later and he was in ICU, still is, and they found the cyst to be a lot larger than they had thought it was and it was inflamed across both the lung and his heart. When my mother told me the news after I ended work today my first thought was: I can't lose him too. My family is strong, my uncle is strong, and I have faith that he is going to pull through and be strong, but the possibility of complications that could kill him is very real and undeniable. I don't know if I could handle losing both my uncle and my aunt in the span of 3 years and I know for a fact my mother wouldn't be able to handle it either. She's already lost her older sister, she can't lose her older brother too. It would tear her and my grandparents (who are both still alive, my grandfather against all odds) apart to lose my uncle. No parents should have to endure losing a child, let alone two. No person should have to endure losing a sibling, let alone two, when life is still new and there are 40 - 60 years left of good stories. No child should have to endure losing their aunt or uncle, let alone two, when they are still young and have a life to live. I love my uncle, I loved my aunt, and I can't bear the idea of losing my uncle like I lost my aunt. I have faith that he is going to be okay because he needs to be okay, this family will fall apart without him. I love him dearly.
when we lost her it was slowly,
and I didn't know how to react.
one day I was hugging her and laughing
with a whole life ahead of the both of us,
the next I was at her funeral
sobbing into my uncle's shoulder-
she taught me that life was short
and she changed lives and I don't know how,
but she changed her family too
and I hope she can see that
because her brother is now truly
my uncle and an older brother
and I can't lose him too.
a breath of air escaped my lungs
moments before they cut his open,
discovering a monster there larger
than the small spec on a machine that was
supposed to show his insides
clear enough to paint a picture,
but they didn't see it clear enough -
there was mud covering the lens
and now we sit in silence as we wait to hear.
we can't lose him,
we can't survive without his smile
lighting up small rooms,
taking the place momentarily for his sister
who waits, invisible,
for us to see her again.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
So it's been around a year or more (I think) since I last posted anything on this blog. I promise that I am alive, not happy about it, but alive nonetheless.
Things have been super crazy for the last several months: I'm currently 3 weeks away from finishing my first year at college/university and my life has had more ups and downs that I ever thought possible. Since August I've been through a lot and actually haven't written very much, something that had been slowly killing me inside. I may have sworn off writing for awhile, but it was causing me more pain than good because there were so many words bouncing around in my head and so many emotions that I just needed to get them out on paper. Most of the poems I've written have been, well, awful so I'm not going to post them. I have written a few good ones and I promise that I will get them up soon. I've missed this blog and posting my writing online, it used to be such a big part of me and I guess I kind of lost myself for a bit this last year.
I promise to write more and to post my poetry on this blog. I'm also thinking of actually blogging a bit on here because sometimes I just really feel like I need to get my thoughts out and pretend that maybe someone is reading them and gives a crap. Because my life has been crap these last few months and I've been completely alone in everything. I guess that's what I get for going to school about a days drive from my best friend and I'm transferring to a school that is about 3 days drive from home, I start there in August. A part of me is running away, but I'm also starting over because there is nothing for me here anymore - too many bad memories. Maybe, in time, I'll open up about what's happened to me at this school and why I'm leaving, but for now I will only say that sometimes I wonder if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or if it just makes you wish it had.
To (hopefully) a better future and more consistent posts. *raises glass*
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
they expect her to be perfect
they expect her to be happy
they expect her to fine.
but she isn’t.
because they are blinded by the fake smiles that she
plasters on every morning when she wakes
from the nightmares that cripple her, the nightmares that
are her life.
every mistake and every bad decision,
every situation and every bad thing that she has ever seen,
in every dream.
flowing from her wrists without stopping and the darkness
that held her in its grasp until her father’s hands found hers
and pulled her back,
gasping with the pain and feeling the tears from her mother’s eyes
falling on her cheeks.
down to the ground in front of her
because he had sat in his walker and they had been joking
and he told her to push him, but the brakes were on and she didn’t
know and she couldn’t do anything as he fell back
with eyes wide to the ground and didn’t move,
wouldn’t respond to her and when the EMTs finally got there
and lifted him from the ground she could see the pool of blood
staining the sidewalk where his head had been.
and dark and she is nothing because in those nights
she doesn’t exist anymore and the mornings after
are the most terrifying because she has to wake up
into a world where she does exist.
when she will zone out and all of the sudden everything he has
ever yelled at her, every single time he has thrown her against a wall
and every strong grip or thrown book or bloody nose
starts to repeat in her head.
nightmares that are her past.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
darling, come here and let me write you into the story
that is my life,
let me write you into the painful bits and the laughter, give me
your love so that i can spill out my heart
and love you back so much that i can’t sleep anymore, give me
all of your dreams so that i can whisper in your ear all of
mine and tell you that yours will all come true, give me
the chances that you missed and the ones you took
so that i can add myself to the list of chances taken
and so i can wake you up, late at night, so we can go
take some chances you thought you missed.
baby, let me give you my heart and let me take yours,
trust me with everything you have ever desired
and let me stay up all night by your side so that we can
wake up in the morning and think about how much
we love each other and how glad we are that we are
so very alive
and so very much in love with