it is 4:06 am and I can't sleep.
contrary to popular belief
I am not in love or lonely -
I don't need to be constrained into
a category where lack of sleep means
that I am pining after some guy
because, apparently, that is the only thing
that could keep a girl like me awake.
why don't you men get your
heads out of your asses -
I'm awake because I'm afraid.
afraid of him,
the one who stole the night from me
when he molested me at that party
and everyone just laughed
as I left with tears welling in my eyes.
I heard him gloating,
saying he finally cracked "the prude"
and I haven't spoken a word of truth since
- or slept a whole night through.
this smile is how I hide
the immense pain that won't fade -
the pain keeping me up until 4:14 am,
not because I am pining,
but because the comfort of the night
was stolen from me -
the same night I turned 18.
I wrote this one a few weeks ago when I was seriously up all night because I was having horrible flashbacks to the night of my 18th birthday (also the night after my first day of college classes) - the night that I was sexually molested. I don't really talk about it much and I'm trying to move on, it's been over a year and I've since transferred to a different university and stopped all contact with the guy who attacked me. The worst part of all of it was that it was one of my swim teammates and another guy filmed him, laughing the entire time while I tried not to cry and then they made a joke about it with the rest of the team which led to me being molested by a different team member later that week. I don't know why I never reported the three guys involved (the two who molested me and the one who filmed the first time), but I never did. I just quit the swim team and transferred schools so fast that I don't really think anyone knew what happened. I'm so much happier at my new university, but there are a lot of things that I need to work through. I still have nights where I can't sleep and I don't know what to do with myself, sometimes I wonder if I should tell someone and get help - but a part of me is afraid they would make me get the authorities involved with the guys. I want them to serve their time, don't get me wrong, but I also know that nothing would happen. There were witnesses who later told me I had exaggerated things and that I had been "asking for it" - just as they always say - I know that it would just be a lot of pain for me and they would see nothing. I don't want to go through that pain again just because someone out there thinks justice should be served (mainly my best friend who knows some details, but not all, and kept trying to get me to report them last year). I'm living my life and trying my best to forget, letting it out little by little with my poetry and maybe opening up to a few people here. I know people have noticed that I have issues with things regarding sex and that I get really quiet when I'm alone with guys (at least, I think they might have).
In other news, that isn't so dark and depressing, I'm in the process of becoming an RA at the university I'm currently attending which I'm super excited about. I'm also at 100 posts (this is my 100th!!) who knew I could keep a blog up for this long? I sure didn't. I know I've kinda sucked at being regular and I keep promising to fix it, but let's be honest here and admit that life happens and I'm just proud that I don't delete this blog or stop posting all together. At least I give a poem here or there, even if it is after a few months. I've been having a bit of writer's block though recently so I've been lacking on the poetry and I'm not turning out nearly as many poems as I want to. Hopefully that will change soon. This is also a regular blog too, so hopefully I will be able to pop on and update on my life and the goings on in Utah (which is where I am right now). (I am not a Mormon - just in case you where wondering).
Life is beautiful. Even with the bad things.
Have a great day, week, month, year!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
it is 4:06 am and I can't sleep.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
April 8th is both a happy and a sad day for my family. It is happy because that is the day my parents got married all of those years ago and their relationship has always been one that, though imperfect, has modeled kindness and love in my life. But it is also a sad day, April 8th of 2011 is the day that my Auntie Cara died after a 5 year battle with brain cancer. We were really close and sometimes I wonder how in the world I manage to keep living now that she is gone, but a part of me pushes forward in life because I want to live for her and I want to keep her light shining in this dark world. When she died my Uncle David, her and my mother's older brother, started to get more involved in my life and we began to get a bit closer. Until she got sick he had always been a bit distant from us, him and my mother had that oldest - youngest sibling thing going on and didn't really get along well, and he spent more time with his wife's family than his own. And then my aunt, his other younger sister, got sick and he started to be there for us more. He started to talk to me on Facebook and text me and when I went to college this last fall he would periodically check in on me. My aunt's death changed all of us, but I think it changed him the most. He started to really be an uncle to my sisters and I, not just our mother's older brother and their sibling relationship even began to mend.
This morning he went in for surgery on one of his lungs because they found a small cyst on the lung when doing a chest x-ray. It was only supposed to be a 4 hour surgery.
12 hours later and he was in ICU, still is, and they found the cyst to be a lot larger than they had thought it was and it was inflamed across both the lung and his heart. When my mother told me the news after I ended work today my first thought was: I can't lose him too. My family is strong, my uncle is strong, and I have faith that he is going to pull through and be strong, but the possibility of complications that could kill him is very real and undeniable. I don't know if I could handle losing both my uncle and my aunt in the span of 3 years and I know for a fact my mother wouldn't be able to handle it either. She's already lost her older sister, she can't lose her older brother too. It would tear her and my grandparents (who are both still alive, my grandfather against all odds) apart to lose my uncle. No parents should have to endure losing a child, let alone two. No person should have to endure losing a sibling, let alone two, when life is still new and there are 40 - 60 years left of good stories. No child should have to endure losing their aunt or uncle, let alone two, when they are still young and have a life to live. I love my uncle, I loved my aunt, and I can't bear the idea of losing my uncle like I lost my aunt. I have faith that he is going to be okay because he needs to be okay, this family will fall apart without him. I love him dearly.
when we lost her it was slowly,
and I didn't know how to react.
one day I was hugging her and laughing
with a whole life ahead of the both of us,
the next I was at her funeral
sobbing into my uncle's shoulder-
she taught me that life was short
and she changed lives and I don't know how,
but she changed her family too
and I hope she can see that
because her brother is now truly
my uncle and an older brother
and I can't lose him too.
a breath of air escaped my lungs
moments before they cut his open,
discovering a monster there larger
than the small spec on a machine that was
supposed to show his insides
clear enough to paint a picture,
but they didn't see it clear enough -
there was mud covering the lens
and now we sit in silence as we wait to hear.
we can't lose him,
we can't survive without his smile
lighting up small rooms,
taking the place momentarily for his sister
who waits, invisible,
for us to see her again.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
So it's been around a year or more (I think) since I last posted anything on this blog. I promise that I am alive, not happy about it, but alive nonetheless.
Things have been super crazy for the last several months: I'm currently 3 weeks away from finishing my first year at college/university and my life has had more ups and downs that I ever thought possible. Since August I've been through a lot and actually haven't written very much, something that had been slowly killing me inside. I may have sworn off writing for awhile, but it was causing me more pain than good because there were so many words bouncing around in my head and so many emotions that I just needed to get them out on paper. Most of the poems I've written have been, well, awful so I'm not going to post them. I have written a few good ones and I promise that I will get them up soon. I've missed this blog and posting my writing online, it used to be such a big part of me and I guess I kind of lost myself for a bit this last year.
I promise to write more and to post my poetry on this blog. I'm also thinking of actually blogging a bit on here because sometimes I just really feel like I need to get my thoughts out and pretend that maybe someone is reading them and gives a crap. Because my life has been crap these last few months and I've been completely alone in everything. I guess that's what I get for going to school about a days drive from my best friend and I'm transferring to a school that is about 3 days drive from home, I start there in August. A part of me is running away, but I'm also starting over because there is nothing for me here anymore - too many bad memories. Maybe, in time, I'll open up about what's happened to me at this school and why I'm leaving, but for now I will only say that sometimes I wonder if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or if it just makes you wish it had.
To (hopefully) a better future and more consistent posts. *raises glass*
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
they expect her to be perfect
they expect her to be happy
they expect her to fine.
but she isn’t.
because they are blinded by the fake smiles that she
plasters on every morning when she wakes
from the nightmares that cripple her, the nightmares that
are her life.
every mistake and every bad decision,
every situation and every bad thing that she has ever seen,
in every dream.
flowing from her wrists without stopping and the darkness
that held her in its grasp until her father’s hands found hers
and pulled her back,
gasping with the pain and feeling the tears from her mother’s eyes
falling on her cheeks.
down to the ground in front of her
because he had sat in his walker and they had been joking
and he told her to push him, but the brakes were on and she didn’t
know and she couldn’t do anything as he fell back
with eyes wide to the ground and didn’t move,
wouldn’t respond to her and when the EMTs finally got there
and lifted him from the ground she could see the pool of blood
staining the sidewalk where his head had been.
and dark and she is nothing because in those nights
she doesn’t exist anymore and the mornings after
are the most terrifying because she has to wake up
into a world where she does exist.
when she will zone out and all of the sudden everything he has
ever yelled at her, every single time he has thrown her against a wall
and every strong grip or thrown book or bloody nose
starts to repeat in her head.
nightmares that are her past.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
darling, come here and let me write you into the story
that is my life,
let me write you into the painful bits and the laughter, give me
your love so that i can spill out my heart
and love you back so much that i can’t sleep anymore, give me
all of your dreams so that i can whisper in your ear all of
mine and tell you that yours will all come true, give me
the chances that you missed and the ones you took
so that i can add myself to the list of chances taken
and so i can wake you up, late at night, so we can go
take some chances you thought you missed.
baby, let me give you my heart and let me take yours,
trust me with everything you have ever desired
and let me stay up all night by your side so that we can
wake up in the morning and think about how much
we love each other and how glad we are that we are
so very alive
and so very much in love with
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Firstly I'm going to apologize for not posting writing in awhile, I have been busy and just haven't had the time to really sit down and write something that I actually care to share with the world [which sucks].
However, I have had a lot of time to think about a lot of things [mostly related to school and the future and other things that make me nervous]. Wednesday I start my senior year of high school and I can hardly believe that all I have is several grueling months of torturous high school and drama and classes that I don't want to take but have to in order to graduate and then I am done with high school. Forever. To be honest, that makes me a little nervous, a little scared too actually. And I've got to start applying to college/university in the next few months which basically means I have to start getting at least a little bit of an idea of what I want to do with my life.
I have no clue what I want to do. I've had so many different ideas and different things that I wanted to do, but when it comes down to it I don't know that I would actually want to do those things for my whole life. I have so many passions, so many things that make me happy and excited and fired up about life, that I don't know where to start. I want to be so many things, I want to do so many things, I want to have so many different experiences.
For a little bit I thought about going into the military, but then I decided that I didn't want to do that because I don't agree with violence. And yet, here I am, about a year later and I'm considering the military again. I don't have to be involved with the violence directly, I could do so many things that wouldn't require me to shoot people and I wouldn't have to worry about college/university or getting a job after I complete 4 years or more of schooling. But I don't know for sure if I want to do that because I don't know, even a little bit, what I want to do with my life.
It's crazy to think that in December of last year I was ready to kill myself and now I'm getting stressed about deciding what to do with my life. Almost a year later and I'm trying to decide what gets me fired up about life, what I want to do.
The only thing I know for sure that I want to do is help people and serve God [though I haven't been doing a great job lately - I've been getting kind of distant and my faith has been kind of dying, but I'm trying to get it back on track... sorta]
Well, for now I guess I should just work on getting my summer homework done before Wednesday and think about making an appointment to talk with my guidance counselor at school about college/university.